Way Back When-esday and Wordful Wednesday

October 2004

Brooke - 8 years as a nurse

Lexy - 7 months as Piglet

Isaiah (our foster son) - 15 months as Tigger

I loved that I could dress Lexy and Isaiah in coordinating costumes...Brooke refused to take part in that and be Pooh but she was cute all the same!!! This is one of my happiest Halloween memories...Isaiah had come back to us and we had been told that our chances of adopting him were very high and Lexy's case was looking to be in our favor too. A couple of months after this we were devastated when Isaiah left us again...this time forever.

This was also the only Halloween that we have not gone trick or treating. We went to the town Spook Parade in the afternoon (where we took these pics) but by evening Brooke was running a fever and felt miserable so we had to fore go trick or treating that year...Brooke was SO disappointed!

To check out who else is playing along join Cheryl for Way Back When-esday and Angie at Wordful Wednesday !

The end of fostering

I wrote a few posts back about how we had made the decision to close our foster license after 8 years. Today was the day that I gave in our notice as our last day as foster parents.

I was feeling pretty blue today about this change in our life, questioning myself if we had made the right decision. By chance, a movie that is very dear to my heart came on while we were lounging around the house this morning. The movie is called "Losing Isaiah". I've watched this movie many times and while it tugged at my heartstrings before losing "our Isaiah", now it brings back so many memories, so many feelings, so much emotion about his case in particular but also about our entire foster journey. After watching the movie today I realize that we are making the right decision for our family at this time. We know without a doubt that we can love a child not of our own flesh & blood, we've done it many many times...it's the losing them that has not gotten any easier.

This decision leaves me with so many mixed emotions...

• I'm worried that we won't be helping any other children in need thru foster care...I've always said "if not us, then who"
• I'm sad that I won't be loving and holding a sweet little foster baby again
• I'm happy that we will no longer have multiple workers coming thru our home each week, we won't have to pick up the pieces after our foster babies family visits, we won't have to get permission for vacations and hair cuts, we won't be on the roller coaster of emotions that foster care puts us on
• I'm excited to be able to live our life and make our own decisions. Not waiting around for someone else to make decisions for us.
• I'm scared that my purpose in life is now going to have to be found again. For as long as I can remember I knew that I wanted to be a foster parent, I knew that's what my calling was...now what?
• I'm hopeful for what the future holds. I can't wait to see what's in store for our family. We have some things to think, pray and talk about before making decisions...

but it's so nice to be moving forward!

Way Back When-esday & Wordful Wednesday

Where it all began...

July 2001

Our Family at the time - Mike, Ronnie, Brooke, MyLinda & Dee Dee

Ronnie & Dee Dee were our very first foster placements. They came to us in May 2001 at 18 mos. old and left in August 2001 back to a mother that repeatedly hurt them and said that she didn't want them. Fortunately we heard that just a couple of months later Ronnie & Dee Dee were pulled from their home again and this time went to adoptions where we hope they found a wonderful loving forever family.

One of the changes for our family this year (that I mentioned in my last post) is that we are closing our foster license (actually I'm writing the letter today). We have fostered many wonderful little ones in our eight years as a foster family, had our hearts broken way too many times and received the greatest gift when we were able to add Lexy to our forever family. We have decided to take the leap out of "foster world" for many reasons but the most obvious to us is that it just feels like the right time. We are glad that God led us to be a foster family and we would do it all over again (not saying we wouldn't want to change the outcome of some things :-)) but now we feel it is time to move on. For me, it will be hard to let go of this portion of our life as I have allowed myself to think of being "foster mom" as part of my identity and to just become "normal mom" is going to be an adjustment but a necessary one. Now we move forward.

To check out who else is playing along join Cheryl for Way Back When-esday and Angie at Wordful Wednesday !

Writer's Workshop - Poem to my boys

Over at Mama's Losin' It, Mama Kat hosts a writer's workshop where we choose one of the prompts listed and write a story/poem about that prompt.

My prompt for the day is...3.) Write a poem for the little boy in your life...

TO MY BOYS...

Your names and birthstones on my mother's bracelet remind me
of the things that I thought could be.
You were my little boys in every way
I think about, pray for and wish you were still here every day.
I cherished each moment we had
thoughts of when I had to hand you over still make me sad.
I loved you as my own
and I hope that you felt that as you have grown.

This poem was written for two of our foster babies that were truly "our boys" in every way. Alex was our third placement, he came to us at 2 days old and left at 12 1/2 mos. old. Isaiah was our sixth placement, he came to us at 3 mos. old and left at 18 mos. old. I'll have to write their stories sometime, both stories are lengthy, sad and hard for me to think about still.

Writer's Workshop - Misconceptions

Over at Mama's Losin' It, Mama Kat hosts a writer's workshop where we choose one of the prompts listed and write a story/poem about that prompt.

My prompt for the day: 2.) What is a common misconception about you?

This kind of goes along with yesterdays post. I believe that one of the most common misconceptions about me is that I am much stronger (mentally and emotionally) than some people.

As a foster parent, I have heard "Oh I could never do that, I just wouldn't be able to love a child and then give them back. It would just break my heart" SO many times when someone finds out we foster. In some ways I understand that person is giving me a compliment but truly all I hear is "wow you must have a heart of stone to be able to do that".

To dispel that myth...
I am NOT any stronger than any other woman and my heart is not made of stone. I have found that it takes me about three days after a new child comes into our home to start feeling the "mama bear" feelings for that child. After that point, each child becomes "my baby" while they are here. The children are loved and cared for as if I had given birth to them. I worry about every little detail of each child...what has their past experiences done to them physically, emotionally & mentally, how can I help this child heal, does this child feel loved and safe in our home, are the visits doing good or more harm to this child. I feed, clothe, hug, tuck in, kiss the boo boo's of this child everyday. I do everything in my power to let this child have a "normal family" while they are here.

So it should be no surprise that I feel an excruciating pain in the depths of my soul each time that I must let one of my foster children leave me to an uncertain situation. I worry and wonder about each child that has left my home...are they okay, do they have enough to eat, are they getting hugged and kissed, do they feel loved and safe, do they feel that I abandoned them. I cry myself to sleep at night thinking about the uncertain future of "my babies".

No, it is not easy being a foster mom and not everyone is meant to do it. I've questioned my ability many times but in the end the question comes down to "if not me, then who?". I'm not stronger, better, or more courageous than anyone else...I'm doing what I'm meant to do at this time just as you are.

Way Back When-esday and Wordful Wednesday

November 2002

Brooke (6), Alex (12 mos.), Mike (39)

This picture was taken right before Alex left our home forever. Alex was our foster son (our 4th placement). He came to our home from the hospital at 2 days old. Alex was "our son" in every way possible. He knew us as Mommy, Daddy and Sissy...he had never known another family. We were devestated when a great aunt and uncle came forward to take Alex after we had been asked if we would adopt him. These relatives lived many states away and it took a lot of paperwork and time for Alex to go live with them and was an uncertain situation right to the end. When Alex was 12 1/2 months old, the great aunt and uncle (whom Alex had only seen once) came to our home to pick Alex and all of his belongings up and drove off with our baby...leaving us in tears.

This was the first of many heartbreaks that we have endured as a foster family. It felt like there had been a death, we mourned for a very long time. This was also when we decided that even though we had not planned to adopt, we now knew we were able and would very much like to give the love of a forever family to another child(ren).

We have gone on to provide a loving foster home to many children that needed one in the past eight years. We have adopted one wonderful little girl to add to our forever family. I still think about Alex (and the others) everyday.

What I'm now wondering is what's suppose to be next. A lot of the time, I don't feel like our family is complete yet but recently I have been feeling like our time as a foster family should come to an end...maybe I'm misreading messages or not truly listening to that inner voice... Hopefully soon God will reveal to us what his plans for our future are, whatever they may be.

To check out who else is playing along join Cheryl for Way Back When-esday and Angie at Wordful Wednesday !

Way Back When-esday

I'm joining in Way Back When-esday once again. Cheryl over at Twinfatuation hosts this, go on over there and see who else is playing.

My picture for today is...

Date: February 2008

Me and "Puddin"

We miss you Puddin!!!

A year ago this was the sweet little angel that was brought to our house for care and loving. She was 6 weeks old when she came to us, tiny and mostly unresponsive. Boy did that turn around, "Puddin" left us at 4 mos old (to go live with her aunt and brothers) a smiling, laughing bundle of joy.

We are hoping that we will receive another bundle to love and care for VERY soon...it's too quiet around here!

A call...

We finally got our first foster call from our new agency last night but I had to turn it down :-( It was for police protective custody (72 hrs. waiting for court) for a 6.5 yr. old girl and an infant boy. Right now we only have a crib and a toddler bed so we couldn't take them since I don't think a 6.5 year old would fit in either one of those.

Actually I wouldn't have minded taking them if it was as a regular placement but to go buy another bed for just a few days stay isn't in our budget right now. Plus I would want to know more about any problems/behaviors with the 6 yo. since she would be older than Lexy.

I am glad to know that we are on the calling list and hopefully we'll get called with a placement that we can say yes to soon!

The lights and other news...

Mike got the lights finished, it looks great hon!!





Mike did mention that we need to get another big snowman so we have a mom & dad and we need to add five more kids to the family since we have seven little snowmen!!


In other news...

A letter came home in Lexy's backpack today that she failed her hearing test. I called the school nurse to ask if she indeed failed (as in couldn't hear) or if she chose not to cooperate (therefore failing). The nurse said that she indeed failed as in couldn't hear, she said she tested her two different days to be sure of the results. She says that the problem seems to be mostly in the left ear. She said the test consisted of the child having a page of pictures in front of them and pointing to the picture when the "man in the headphones" said that word. The nurse said that Lexy did well on some and then on the others she would just give her a look like "what did that man just say??". So off to the audiologist we go, I have made an appt. for next Thurs. We had her hearing tested about 1 1/2 yrs. ago and all her tests were normal but after everything we went thru with her eyes/glasses we will definately do more testing if only for our own piece of mind!!


Brooke is getting excited and a little nervous about her upcoming acting debut! She will play "Maeve" one of the daughters in a play called "Donovan's Daughters". She has been very focused on the whole process of this play (to the point of forgetting about a cheerleading event this morning!) and I think she will do awesome! She has 4 performances beginning tomorrow to the grade school students, then Friday am to the other middle school students and then they will perform to the public on Friday and Saturday nights. I have really seen her grow and blossom as she has prepared for this...my baby is growing up ;-(

The paperwork that we had to fill out to change foster agencies got a late pick up so it will probably be closer to the first of the year before we fully switch. We haven't gotten any calls from our current agency lately but then again another couple we know with that agency hasn't gotten any calls either so there just must not be too many kiddos coming in to the system. I would love to have a little bitty one for Christmas but I'm trying to be patient and go with the flow!! Although I did see some little bitty oh-so-cute outfits on sale at Carters outlet yesterday when Lexy and I went to the mall and I SO wanted to buy some of them! Oh BTW they were all boys things, maybe a sign????!!!!

sickies and foster care

Brooke feels much better now, except right after she takes her antibiotics (which give her a stomache) thankfully she only has 4 more days! Yesterday I did call my doctors office and they sent in a prescription for me without having to see me...miracles DO happen! I took the first dose last night but I am feeling worse today so hopefully the second dose will help more! We've been lucky and Lexy is still feeling good.

Today the family support worker from our new foster agency came to talk. We discussed what ages, etc. that we would like to foster/possibly adopt and just got a feel for one another. She seems to be very nice (I know I thought that about our last one that turned out to be "not so nice"). She brought the lists of foster and adoptive kids that are available that she gets every Monday. There was not really any placements that would fit in our home but she said she checks every Monday and will call us with any that she thinks might work. She said she just had a newborn placement a couple of weeks ago that will go to termination in Dec...I told her that the next one like that I would LOVE to be called for!!! In chit chatting she mentioned that she works part-time for an adoptive agency and does all their homestudies/post adoption stuff...hmm maybe this is our avenue to adopt from the agency in New York if that is meant to be. I'm just trying to keep an open mind that things will work out just the way they are meant to in God's time not mine...as hard as it is to admit that I am not in control! It looks like we'll start getting calls from our new agency in early Dec. but should still be on the calling list for our old agency until then...if they'd just stop calling with the teens!

She's gone

I went up to the SRS office at 2pm. "M's" SRS worker calls me and says that moms car wouldn't start so she would be another 30 min. I took "M" and Lexy to a store for a while and at 2:30pm returned to hear that mom had called and she was lost...somehow she was in Lenexa (she started in Baldwin) so it would be after 3pm before she could get here. I went to pick Brooke up from school at 3pm.

When we returned to the SRS office she was there...in her baggy clothes, dew rag on her head, hat turned sideways, big ole sunglasses on her face...she looked like a teen from the "hood". "M" wouldn't even look at her at first. Mom picked "M" up and kept saying "what ya mad at me, ya mad at your momma??". "M" did finally give her a half hearted kiss but just kept looking at us as if saying "why are you doing this to me?" I'm pretty sure that this little girl will be back in the system...

Update on "M"

I just received a call from the SRS worker that removed "M" from her home last Thursday. Seems that the judge has decided to send "M" back home to her mom today. The SRS worker says that they have set up outside services for mom/"M" to help mom be a better parent and try to keep "M" safe. I worry that since this is the third time for "M" to be removed for not being supervised/walking the streets that the next time we hear about her may be on the news...I'm sad for her. She has really settled in nicely here and was even starting to let us hug her and do small tasks for her.

I will be taking her to the SRS office here in town at 2pm to reunite her with her mom. I hope for "M's" sake that she is VERY happy to see her mommy and that her mommy feels the same way. Wow not the outcome I thought would happen in this case, I'm a little in shock!!

Here's what "M" is doing right now, so peaceful...

A new visitor at our house

We got a foster call at about noon today for PPC (police protective custody-72 hrs-well actually with the weekend it will be 4/5 days) for a 2.5 year old little girl, we'll call her "M" for now. I couldn't think of any good reason not to take her and seeing as they seemed to be having a hard time finding a home (probably b/c few people want to take a kiddo the night before a holiday) I told them yes. We were told that this is her third time in the system in the past six months. This morning she was found wandering the streets by herself.

It took until about 4pm for her to actually get here because on the way here the sheriff that was bringing her from a couple counties over almost got hit head on. He swerved to miss them and then swerved again to miss the next car and ended up doing donuts into the ditch but no one was hurt thankfully. They had to wait for a tow truck to pull them out of the ditch but the car was still driveable!

She has done great since she arrived, no tantrums and easily redirected so far! We made a trip to Wal-Mart for some undies, socks and a few clothes since she came with only the clothes on her back. She loved her bath (lots and lots of smiles and giggles to me and Lexy who helped) and settled right down to sleep. She is really taken with Lexy, when Lexy helped her put on her lotion tonight "M" told her thank you and gave her a hug and kiss...how sweet!

Tomorrow will be filled with finding "M" a halloween costume out of our dressup bin, going to Lexy's preschool class party and then an afternoon and night full of trick or treating with Brooke, Kenzie, Lexy and "M"!

Keeping busy...

Lexy and I spent the afternoon today making and filling the treat bags for her preschool class Halloween party next Friday. She was SO excited to share the playdough, mask, toys and candies with her friends. She named each child in her class (12) as she filled the bags and put "special" things in the bags for each person. The ghost bags are for her teachers and the cat bags are for classmates! I get to do the class party next Friday, at least Lexy is still excited for me to come to her school, Brooke would die of embarrassment!!

Now, normally these bags would not have been done until the day before the event (Brooke even asked why they were done so early when she got home from school). I tend to be a procrastinator but I am SO bored with no foster kids and Lexy being at school every morning now! We have had two calls for foster kiddos in the past couple of weeks but the first (22 mo. old girl/4 mo. old boy) fell thru when they found a home closer and the second (4 yr old girl/5 yr old boy) didn't fit our age range (boy older than Lexy) and we don't have space for two more of that age :-(

I know when we do get another foster placement I will be busy as all get out and won't have time or energy for being bored (or doing projects) but right now I can't wait for that! I've even begun exercising in the mornings...now that's boredom!

Retail Therapy

Today was, to say the least, a very emotional day for me. After explaining for what seemed to be the thousandth time to a caring friend or relative that "no, the twins won't be a part of our family" I was ready to lock myself in a rubber room and never come out! Instead I took Brooke to Wal-Mart after Mike got home and did a little retail therapy, nothing major but it did help a little.

Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day, between my allergies acting up and all the crying my throat hurts, my nose doesn't know whether to stay stopped up or run for the door and my eyes are so swollen that I look like I've been thru hell...oh maybe I have...

No Twins...why oh why...

Well our twins left tonight after finding out that the whole "respite thing" was a misunderstanding. Our foster worker let me know in no uncertain terms (and a very loud voice I must say) that she in no way implied that this respite was for us to determine if we wanted to take the twins as a placement...WHY IN THE WORLD WOULD SHE SUGGEST WE DO THE RESPITE THEN???? There was already plans for another foster mom to do the respite and that was cancelled when our worker said she wanted us to do it...we would have NEVER done the respite if not for the reason of getting the twins as a placement, why would we put ourselves thru that??

The foster parents that had them has been talked into keeping them for a while with a lot of respite help. So obviously it's better for these wee ones to be tossed from respite home to respite home and living in a home where they are not wanted then to be placed with us :-(

OK rant over but I am so so sad tonight that the twins will not be a part of our family. After just one night we were all in love with them.

Now what? I'm ready to be done with all of this...I guess we'll see what the next few days brings to light...

Yep, Twins!

J & J left for their new home on Friday, there were a few tears shed but we all feel really good about how well the boys have done with the transition. Angie and John (the new foster parents) have assured us that we are welcome to visit the boys anytime, which made Brooke feel much better about the situation.

Mike and I took advantage of having no foster kiddos over the weekend by leaving Brooke and Lexy with Grammy and Papa for a little spoiling while we went out to celebrate our 14th wedding anniversary. We had a great time, so nice to reconnect and have a little "us" time!

So the labor (much easier than Brooke's haha) began for the twins and they arrived via Joy and Phillip (former foster parents) at a little after noon today. They are both eating, sleeping and pooing just fine!!:-) Tator took a trip to the grocery store with me this evening while Pickle stayed with daddy. All in all the day has gone great and they are now down for hopefully a few hours before waking me in the middle of the night for a little snack!

Twins??????!!!!!!!

Well, as we wind down our transition time for J & J and get them settled into their new home tomorrow we have more exciting news...

TWINS!

A foster friend of ours received a placement of twins a few weeks ago. She does not feel that these are "her kids" and has asked for them to be moved. We have went to see them a couple of times and babysat last night for them and they will move into our home on Sunday for a few days for us to make sure they are a good fit for our family. If everything goes well the twins will be moving to our house permanently...or at least as permanently as foster care can be.

The twins (or pickle and tator as we will call them) are both boys and 3 mos. old but were 10 weeks premature so their adjusted age (what they look and act like) is 2 weeks old. They were both born at 3 lbs. and now are right around 10 lbs.! Right now they are on apnea monitors but hopefully they'll be able to get off of those soon and both have acid reflux. Because of their prematurity they will have to be watched closely for hearing loss and eye problems along with numberous other things that can develop. We pray that these boys will continue to be healthy and with no complications due to their prematurity and the drug use of their birth mom but if problems do arise we will deal with those as they present themselves.

A family for the boys

I felt like I saw a family coming together last night. A family here in town had expressed interest in my boys (even before we knew we wouldn't be the boys forever family), last night this family came to meet the boys. I have never witnessed such amazing peace in myself at seeing the boys with this family...as if this was all working out the way it was meant to be. We thought we would be the forever family for these boys but it looks like God was really asking us to be the final stepping stone in them finding their family. I am SO happy for J & J and this family!!!

The boys will be going to this family in the evenings for the rest of the week to get to know them and moving there on Friday evening. We will miss J & J terribly but my whole family really seems at peace with our decision about this.

Now to find our forever kid(s)...

A sad diagnosis...

Big J was taken for a mental health evaluation today by his worker. Since he and his brother will be leaving our home soon the worker wasn't in a very talkative mood afterwards but did "mention" that the therapist believes that he has attachment disorder...no really???!!! This poor kid has been shuffled back and forth between so many homes in the past 2.5 yrs that there is no way he doesn't have issues!

We knew Big J had some problems when we chose to take him and little J in as pre-adoptive placements but we felt that if the visits stopped (supposedly at the first court date) that at that point we could get him (and us) some intensive help to deal with his issues and help him on his way to healing :-( The system SUCKS! This little boy (and his brother) will be yet more victims of the system, what a sad day!