Ahoy Matey!

Lexy had her Kindergarten spring music program last night, Grammy and Papa joined us to watch. The program was SO cute...the kids sang several cute songs with hand motions for a few of them and Lexy even had a speaking part in between songs! The teachers at Lexy's school are excellent and really make it fun for the kids. Each year the school has a theme for the year and this years has been pirates, Lexy has loved it!

I'm going to also try to get a video of Lexy singing one of her songs and add it here.

More Waiting

Heard back from the adoption worker today. She returned my e-mail saying that she's really busy and that she thought she might be able to get our update completed by early next week. Past the end of the month deadline they had told me but at this point I'm just glad there's an end in sight!! I told her that we are very excited to start hearing about little ones that she knows of that are available and seeing profiles! Crossing my fingers and toes that early next week won't be extended any longer :-)

No Word

We didn't hear from our adoption worker last week :( I e-mailed her on Friday to check in but I never heard back from her. I don't want to be one of those pestering annoying people but I'M ANXIOUS to start getting profiles and move this process to the next step!!!! The worker has until the end of this week to complete our homestudy update (per their contract), I hope I hear something soon!!

I Made It!

Yep I made it through the day! I dropped Lexy off at school this morning with a big smile on my face and only freaked out a little when I got home. I stayed home until the time their bus was to leave (just in case she decided not to go or they had a parent cancel and they needed a replacement)...but no call. I decided that I needed something to keep my mind and hands occupied today so I went to Wal-Mart to buy supplies to make a pair of cut-offs for Lexy that I had seen on http://www.24-7-365.blogspot.com/. While there I decided that I would make her a whole outfit.

I started out with these...

and turned them into these....

Lexy made it home safe and sound from her day and she loved the new outfit I had made for her!!

Anxiety

I've never had an anxiety attack but I wonder if this is what it feels like...

I feel like my mind and heart are racing a million miles a minute. I can't focus. I can't think of anything else. I almost can't breathe.

Lexy is going on her kindergarten field trip tomorrow. I did not get choosen as one of the two parent volunteers for this field trip. I AM NOT HAPPY about not being chosen. It's not that I am one of those overbearing, I've got to do everything with my kids kinda mom (ok maybe I am a little bit but that's not relevent here). I don't know if I can let her go without me, she really wants to go...

Adopting a child that was once our foster child was THE BEST thing that ever happened to me BUT it has also brought with it some fears that I have never felt before in my life. I wonder sometimes if I suffer from PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) from all the CRAP that we went through in Lexy's case (and others). I have this OVERWHELMING FEAR of losing Lexy...of someone taking her. Of course all moms have this fear to a certain (normal) extent as I do with Brooke and while most of the time I can control my extreme fear in Lexy's case, sometimes it is overwhelming. I'm sure a therapist would say that the fear comes from my feelings of powerlessness when she was in foster care...I worried for over THREE YEARS that she would be taken from me...I had NO CONTROL in the situation or the decisions being made for my daughter.

My fears have gotten a lot better. I've been able to allow myself to be ok with Lexy going to school, playing on the front porch by herself, being more than an arms reach away at a public place. But certain things like our encounter with her birthmom at the park last year and now a field trip to a public place without me bring up these overwhelming fears again and I'm not sure how to deal with them.

Because of her attachment issues when she came to us, Lexy isn't overly affectionate, chatty or willing to go anywhere with someone she doesn't know well so I'm not in fear that she'll freely go with a stranger. We've talked about stranger dangers, even if that person seems friendly (or tries to talk with her about her favorite things).

Lexy was upset when she learned that I wasn't choosen to go on the field trip, not b/c she needed her mommy but b/c she felt it was unfair that I wouldn't get to go. I asked her if she would prefer to stay home and go somewhere with me that day but she insisted that she still wanted to go on her field trip with her friends and is so excited. She has no idea how uncomfortable this whole situation makes me and that's how I want it. My fears are MINE and that's how it will stay.

I took Lexy shopping last night for her lunch items for the field trip, I tell her how fun it will be when she excitedly brings it up and I will be smiling when I tell her to have a great time when I drop her off at school tomorrow. I will wait until I'm safely at home before I turn into a HOT MESS. Then I will return to the school smiling to pick up my beautiful daughter safe and sound when she gets back...

A movie and a pretend beauty salon

Since Lexy had Thursday and Friday off this week, we decided to have a little Mommy and Lexy time. We went to see "How to Train Your Dragon" in 3D.. It was actually a pretty good movie. Lexy has already asked for it when it comes out on DVD.


Stylin' in our 3D glasses from the movie and holding our oh so wonderful Spongebob and Patrick watches from Burger King! (Daddy took the wonderfully fuzzy pic :-)



When we got home Lexy decided that she wanted to play beauty shop with Rex. Thank goodness that dog loves her :-)

Homestudy Update

Yesterday our new adoption worker visited our home to complete our homestudy update. There was really not too much to update since not much has changed in the past 3 years :) Our worker, Natasha also answered some questions we had...she was just great! She said she was really excited to work with us since we have parental experience, foster experience, we're not desperate (we're looking for the RIGHT child(ren) for our family), we are open to taking a sibling group, open to either gender and any race. Really the only guidelines we gave her were...under Lexy's age, no RAD diagnosis and no sexual acting out.

Natasha said that she would be writing up our update next week and e-mailing us a copy to check through. I'm thinking by the end of next week/beginning of the next we should have a homestudy to start submitting for kids. Natasha also said that at that point she will begin sending us (thru e-mail) profiles of waiting children that she knows of that meet our criteria. She said that she already has a few profiles in mind to send us :-) SO EXCITING!!!

For Papa

We love you Papa! We'll see you on Saturday to celebrate!!!

Nesting

Well we did some major "nesting" over the weekend. We cleaned, organized and decluttered pretty much every room in the house and the basement. I'm exhausted now (doesn't help I haven't been feeling good)! It's hard to declutter and organize when you're not sure what gender, age or how many children you're expecting so we got rid of what we knew we wouldn't need and we'll have to do another declutter/organize after our missing piece(s) comes home :-)

We have our homestudy tomorrow! I'm excited to finally be at this point...by the end of the month we'll be looking at profiles of available kiddos!!! I was standing outside today enjoying the beautiful day thinking...wondering if there'd be more kiddos enjoying the beautiful days and fun of summer with our family.

At Wal-Mart this morning, I was looking for some fabric for our bedroom and came across this on the clearance table...


the first thought that popped into my head was that the colors could be used for either a boy or girl. The fabric was so soft (flannel) and it could be used for so many things (burp clothes, blankie, lovey, stuffed toy, etc.) so without really thinking I had a piece cut and brought it home with me :-)

She did it!

Brooke worked so hard the past two weeks learning all the things needed to try out for the high school cheer/dance squad...and all that hard work paid off! Brooke is now officially an OHS Dazzler!!!!! When she opened the envelope containing the list of girls that made the squad she first screamed and then burst into tears :) Finally the stress is over...and the money spending begins lol! The one thing that kinda scares this mama is the fact that she will now be attending a week long cheer camp this summer...WITHOUT ME!!! Why do they have to grow up??

Soccer Star

Lexy did excellent this season at soccer! Her team won several of their games but really Lexy was just excited every time she got to kick the ball! At her last game she had quite a crowd with Grammy & Papa and Mammaw and Grandpa there...she loved it :-)

The Many Faces of Toby

I got to spend my day yesterday with my sweet little nephew Toby :-) While I didn't get much done for the day, I DID enjoy cuddling, playing and coaxing smiles! He's now 5 months old and cute as all get out with those chubby cheeks, sweet smile and red hair!

Strawberry Freezer Jam & Great Grandma Koppes

When I was growing up my Great Grandma Koppes always had strawberry freezer jam ready and waiting for us every weekend. We would make the trip down to visit every Friday evening and my brother, CJ and I would get to pick what we wanted grandma to cook for breakfast every Sat. and Sun. mornings...most times it was homemade biscuits, homemade gravy and this freezer jam. Oh the memories...I've missed this jam SO much so I tried my hand at making it today, now to wait the 24 hours for it to set!!!

My Grandma Koppes was a very important person to me as I was growing up. I loved visiting with her every weekend and could talk to her for hours and hours. It always makes me sad to think that she never got to see me as an adult and mother and never got to meet Mike and my girls. Grandma Koppes passed away the day before my 16th birthday. She will always have a special place in my heart, I know she would be so proud of the person I've grown up to be :-)

Mmm Mmm Dinner!

This is what we had for dinner tonight (Crockpot Italian Chicken Alfredo) and it was SOOOOO yummy!

Easter Fun

For Easter this year, we enjoyed the annual Egg Hunt in town on Saturday morning before Lexy's soccer game. Then on Sunday we headed to Papa & Grammy's house to spend time with family after having a scavenger hunt that the Easter Bunny sat up for the girls to find their Easter goodies. :)

Egg World

After spending the day over at Robin's house watching Brooke, Kenzie, Cassie and Taryn practicing the VERY HARD cheerleading tryout dance, Lexy was excited to come home to color Easter eggs. She watched as the eggs boiled and started talking for them..."help help it's hot in here, get us outta here!!" LOL She then had a great time coloring them perfectly and giving them eyes and mouths. Then she played "egg world" with them, even creating a choir :-)

What's Important

Ha! I should have known that the moment I started asking for peace and guidance it would be clearly shown to me :) Today I feel great, today I have grasped that this is NOT about me...this is about something SO much more important. Important as in giving another child(ren) a family, love, a home, a warm hug. someone to call Mommy & Daddy. It's also about helping other children find all of that too with other families!

You see today, while getting my hair cut, it came up in conversation that we are in the process of adopting thru the foster care system. The woman cutting my hair commented that she thought "that was only for rich people". After I explained that indeed we were doing this on one (small) income, she revealed her desire of many years to provide a home for more children (her's are grown). She spoke of what she thought a good home would do for a child that has nowhere to call home, no one to call "mom". She spoke of how she would like to provide the most important thing...love to a child that needs it. She thanked me profusely for talking to her, providing her with information and opening her eyes to what she needed to do (adopt a waiting child/teen)...but I have to say I think she was the one to open MY eyes, to make me take the focus off of MY nervousness and doubt and focus on what's really important...THE CHILDREN!

It felt really good to know that I may have just provided another child with a family just by talking to a stranger about what is so obviously my hearts passion. When we were fostering I found myself avoiding talking about or encouraging anyone to do it b/c of the bad experiences we had so it feels nice to be able to share positive information now!

I smiled all the way home with my newfound peace :)