Foster Memories Friday - Beth

The next foster placement we took was a little different than the rest.  We heard through family that our niece (whom we don't know well) had her daughter placed into foster care.  We contacted the child's worker and asked to be considered for placement of Beth.  We ended up having to pull the "we know what we're doing and we are relatives" card when the worker resisted moving her to us.

Beth was 10 months old when she moved to us.  We tried to settle her into our family but Beth turned out to be one of the hardest kiddos that we fostered.  She would scream at the top of her lungs constantly, never willing to settle or be comforted.  On top of (or because of ) this...I'm not really sure which...I was never able to form a bond with Beth.  I loved her and treated her the same as my girls but I just never got to the point that she was "mine".  The case was complicated and we found that us being "family" made it even harder.  The birthparents felt that we would give special treatment and not go by the rules for them and we weren't willing to do that which caused tension.

Birthmom had another baby about 6 months into us having Beth.  Birthmom got to take that baby home from the hospital with her.  It was looking more and more like Beth would be going home (we had started unsupervised visits) when birthmom started failing drug tests again.

After about seven months of Beth being with us we made the decision to have her moved to another foster home.  It was a very hard decision for our family but it really was the best for everyone involved. 

After Beth left us we heard that the new baby was also taken and placed into the same foster home.  Then they were both moved to a grandma before eventually returning home to mom and dad.  Beth now has 4 or 5 siblings.  Beth is now 5 1/2 years old.  I saw her in a store recently and she is beautiful.

Foster Memories Friday - Kreisa

After Isaiah left us for the second time we felt we had our hands full with Lexy's case and there just wasn't too many calls for foster/respite kiddos coming in during that time., we ended up taking quite a long time off.   Then we got a call for Kreisa.  She was 3 years old and needed a respite home for a week while her foster parents vacationed.

We had a great time with Kreisa and did lots of fun family things while she was with us.  We were all sad to see her go at the end of her stay.

Foster Memories Friday - Lexy

As I said in the last post, Lexy came to us about a month before Isaiah left for the first time.

We got a call from a friend of ours that she had just been called about placement of a 4 month old Caucasian baby girl.  She said that she told the worker to call us and that we better take this one.  We were still grieving the thought of losing Isaiah in a month, we had been called about but not accepted several placements previously.  After talking to our friend we had a feeling that we needed to take this placement, it just felt right.  A couple hours later the supervisor from our local SRS office brought Lexy to us. 

I won't share too much of Lexy's story because that is her story to tell (if/when she chooses) now but here are the highlights...

• We knew we were completely head over heels in love with her after the first few days.
• It took Lexy 2 weeks to give us that first smile...oh how sweet it was!
• Brooke confided to us just a few weeks after Lexy arrived that she had asked God for a baby sister and she knew that Lexy was the one he had given her and that she would be staying forever.
• Lexy had visits with her maternal grandpa for the first eight months she was with us.
• She had visits with her birthmom for 12 months after that.
• Parental rights were terminated on birthmom when Lexy was about 24 months old.  Birthdad relinquished his rights at that time.
• We were SO very happy to finalize Lexy's adoption one and a half years later when she was about 3 1/2 years old.  The worker/agency to do the adoption was very slow but it was so worth the wait!

Lexy is now seven years old.  She is a beautiful, smart, funny, wonderful part of our family.  I could never imagine my life without her!   <3   I always tell Lexy that God knew just what he was doing when he gave us each other....I feel so lucky and blessed that she is my daughter.

I'm wanting to do memory posts about Brooke and Lexy later but here are a few pics of the first few months Lexy was home...

Foster Memories Friday - Isaiah

Another tear jerker for me :( I had to start and stop writing this one many times before getting it done. I'm wondering why I am putting myself through this but it is therapeutic to finally write it down.



Besides short term respite we didn't take another placement for several months, we needed the break.  On the evening of my birthday we got a call for placement of a 3 month old biracial little boy.  The worker said it would be a very short stay (2 weeks at most) and that she could find no one else to take him.  We accepted the placement thinking it's only two weeks, we won't be too attached in two weeks.  I remember the entire drive to pick Isaiah up I was praying that he would be a fussy, ugly little thing (so I wouldn't instantly fall in love).  Just my luck, as I looked in the car seat I saw the most beautiful precious baby boy looking (smiling)back at me...I was a goner from that moment.  Isaiah turned out to be one of the most easy going, smiley, cuddly babies I had ever met.  Brooke loved having a baby in the house to love on again.

Well as happens most times in foster world, Isaiah's two week stay turned into a MUCH longer stay.  He not only had visits with bio dad but also an aunt that wasn't sure if she could take him or not.  But even with all the visits Isaiah continued to be a happy go lucky little guy.  The next 11 months were filled with uncertainty as the decision to place Isaiah with his aunt went back and forth.  During those same 11 months our family was falling completely in love with Isaiah.  The decision was finally made to move Isaiah to the aunts house and we were devastated but had no say or standing in the decision.  The workers in his case were heartless and viewed us as nothing more than babysitters.

Three weeks later we got a call from Isaiah's worker saying that she was having to remove Isaiah from the aunt's home and asked if he could return to us.  We were overjoyed.  When we picked him up from the worker the next day, Isaiah saw me get out of the car and started trying to escape from his car seat and was hollering "momma, momma, momma".  When I picked him up out of his car seat Isaiah hugged my neck and wouldn't let go.  The worker made the comment "well it looks like he knows who you are" and she preceded to tell us that she was happy that we accepted him back and that it looked like we'd be adopting him...what a change of attitude.

For the next few months the aunt stilled received visits (supervised now) but all talk was of us adopting Isaiah after termination of parental rights.  We're not sure exactly what happened but before termination could be done, a grandma paid for aunt to get an attorney to fight for having Isaiah sent back to her.  The worker wouldn't tell us any information but said that the agency had decided to just send Isaiah back instead of fighting it.  By this time Isaiah had been with us long enough (12 months in our state) to qualify us as an interested party so we hired a lawyer to fight on our behalf.

By hiring our own attorney we opened up a huge can of worms but we felt that we had to fight for what we thought was right for Isaiah when no one else was.  Once our lawyer filed our motion with the court the agency was not allowed to move Isaiah before the case was heard by the judge.  Our agency was furious with us because now technically we were saying that they were wrongfully handling the case.

Unsupervised visits started up again with the aunt.  Isaiah was feeling the stress of his life changing once again.  After visits he would just lay around and numerous times throughout everyday he would come up to me and pat my chest saying "my momma" and then snuggle on my lap for the longest time.  He was no longer the happy go lucky little boy that he once was.

The court date was set for the day before Christmas Eve.  We knew that the chances of us still losing Isaiah were high..  Cases like this just weren't the norm and success rate was very low but we knew we were doing the right thing and that we would regret a decision not to fight for the rest of our lives.  In the end the judge (who was fairly new), with tears in her eyes, said that because termination had not had a chance to happen yet that she was forced to allow Isaiah to be sent back to the aunt because he was not in "immediate danger" and she was a blood relative.  The judge looked at us and apologized and then looked at aunt and told her that she better not make another mistake and that she got lucky this time.  We have heard that the judge mentions our case all the time saying that she felt that she listened to the DA about what decisions she could and couldn't make instead of looking further into it herself and that she felt she failed the child in our case...and that she won't make that mistake again.

We had Isaiah for two more weeks (after he went to the aunt for Christmas) and then he was picked up from our home by his worker.  When she strapped him into the car he was crying and screaming for momma :(  That's the last time we saw him.  He was with us for a total of 15 months from the age of three months to eighteen months.  Isaiah would now be 8 years old.

** Our next foster child (Lexy) was placed in our home one month before Isaiah left for the first time.  Lexy and Isaiah were only 8 months apart in age and Isaiah loved that baby girl so much.  It makes me sad to think that he was taken from Lexy...and Brooke.  I still miss that little boy so much :(

Foster Memories Friday - Brittany, William, Gabriel

For the next several months we only took respite placements.

Brittany (3) and William (5 mos.)  came to stay with us several times when their foster parents needed respite.  William was such a roly poly, we loved it!

Gabriel was another one of our respite placements, I believe he was about 2.

Foster Memories Friday - Josie & Drake

The next placement that we accepted was for a caucasian sibling set.  Josie was about to turn one and Drake was two.  When we picked them up at the SRS office we were surprised that Josie came toddling up to us and wanted picked up...no stranger anxiety there!

It was nice to have our home filled with the laughter and noise of more kids and Brooke loved little Josie.  Drake was a little more difficult, he would throw the loudest most destructive tantrums that I have ever seen.  He would kick, hit and lash out when put into time out.  We began putting him in his room for timeouts...until he started tearing up his room (including hitting the dresser on the wall over and over and then knocking it over).

Drake and Josie ended up only staying with us for less than a month before moving to Grandma's house.  They left on Josie's 1st birthday.  We were called a few months later when they were removed from Grandma, we were sad to say no to taking them back but we knew that Drake would be even worse the second time.  A couple years later we heard that Drake went to live with his dad and Josie was adopted by a family member.  We get to see Josie around town every now and then :)  Drake would be 11 now and Josie would be 9.

Foster Memories Friday - Randy and Jessie/Zander

After Alex left, we decided that we needed to take a few months "off" to process through our grief.  During that time we did respite (basically babysitting for other foster families) for a couple of different families.

Randy (Scooter) stayed a couple of weeks with us while his foster family was going through an allegation investigation. 

Jessie and Zander stayed with us a couple of different times when their foster family needed someone to keep them.  This resulted in a great friendship with this family.

Foster Memories Friday - Alex

As I mentioned last week, we got our next call just a few weeks after James joined our family.  That call came on a Friday afternoon at 4pm, a caucasian newborn baby boy just out of the hospital needing to be picked up from the office (an hour away) by 6pm.  I knew I couldn't get ahold of Mike to ask his opinion but I knew his answer would have been no, he was always the voice of reason and we were overwhelmed at the time with James.  So I said YES (who could say no to a newborn?) and had to listen to him grump all the way up to the office.  The office was closed so I had to bang on the back door to be let in (kinda felt like I was doing something wrong).  I walked out with the most beautiful little peanut, Mike changed his tune once he saw that little face. :)  I had been told that we could and would want to choose one of his 5 (this was narrowed down from the 20 that mom wanted to name him) names (most very weird) to call him by, we chose Alex.

Alex had severe acid reflux but it took us a couple of months and lots of sleepless nights to convince the dr of this.  I remember just a couple of nights after bringing him home I took Alex to Wal-Mart in the middle of the night to get gas drops to see if they would help.  The well meaning cashier gave quite a loud performance at the sight of us thinking that I had just given birth and was out alone in the middle of the night with a screaming baby (Mike's ears had to be burning).  Her face turned red and she apologized profusely when I explained that I was a foster mom and therefore did not give birth meer hours ago.  Thank goodness my job was one that I could go in my office and take small naps throughout the day b/c that was a LONG couple of months!

When Alex was about three months old we were told that his worker (who was the worker from h-e-double hockey sticks) was moving him to be closer to his birthmom who had moved back to her hometown after being released from the mental institute she had been in (schizophrenia).  By this time we had fallen completely head over heels in love with Alex, we were devastated.  As it turned out, the move never happened and we ended up agreeing to transport Alex back and forth once a month for visits with his birthmom.  During this time we got to know birthmom, some family history (Alex has six siblings, five of whom has schizophrenia) and we found out that Alex's great aunt and uncle from CA were completing the paperwork to possibly have Alex moved to them.  We were told early on that these relatives had not passed the homestudy needed previously so we were asked if we would be willing to adopt Alex if that were the case.  We said absolutely yes.

We celebrated so many of Alex's firsts with him...smile, coo, word, steps...and then right after we celebrated his first birthday with him we got a call from his maternal grandma saying that she didn't think the great aunt and uncle would be passing the homestudy and would we please adopt Alex.  We assured her that we would love and care for him as our own forever.

A week later I went to court (alone) and got the most devestating news, the great aunt and uncle had passed the homestudy and Alex would be moved immediately.  I was an hour and a half away from home, alone and my world was falling apart.  The worker was SO mean, rude and uncaring after court.  I tried to hold myself together and be professional but I ended up having to excuse myself telling her that she would just have to call and tell us when and how Alex was leaving (she was on the phone with the great aunt and uncle).  I went to my car and cried and cried.  It took me forever to drive home that day through my tears.  Before I even got home the worker had called to tell us that the great aunt and uncle would be picking Alex up from our home in one week.  She also wanted to make sure that we weren't a flight risk...I have to be honest and say that the thought of taking him and moving to another country did cross our minds!

We spent the next week packing and loving on "our son".  I don't think I stopped crying the entire week.  The worst part was having to explain to Brooke (6) what was going to happen :(  The day came for him to leave...the great aunt and uncle came to our house, stayed and talked for a little while (they were very nice), packed their trunk full of all of Alex's belongings, loaded our son into their car and drove away.  Before placing Alex in the car I handed him a book and a lovey that played "you are my sunshine", the song that I sang to him multiple times a day.  I asked if they would call him Alex or his birthname and they said they would be changing his name to Robby.  After they left we went inside and I cried myself to sleep and slept the rest of the afternoon. 

We learned quickly that losing a foster child after this long in your family felt a lot like a death and had to be grieved in that way.  For about a month I didn't leave the house unless absolutely necessary for fear of someone asking about Alex or even how I was doing.  We also asked the school councelor to talk with Brooke and they ended up making a wonderful picture book about Alex.

The great aunt and uncle did send us a few pictures a couple of months later and about a year after he left we got to see Alex/Robby.  They were visiting family nearby and invited us.  Unfortunately Mike wasn't able to go but Brooke and I did.  It made me feel good that they had kept pictures of Brooke in his room so he knew her by name when we saw him and he ran down the hallway to her.  He came to me willingly and played with my keychain and phone (just like he used to) and gave me hugs.  It was definately a feeling of closure for me, he seemed happy and well taken care of and he was no longer "my Alex".

We lost contact after that visit but I did hear that the great uncle has since passed (of cancer that he was battling when they came for Alex) and that they may have moved to our state.  Alex/Robby would now be 9 1/2 (10 in Oct.).

I have to admit that I cried the entire time I wrote this, the pain of losing Alex runs very deep :(

Foster Memories Friday - James

A couple months after Ronnie & DeeDee left, we got a call for a 3 (almost 4) year old caucasian boy.  We hesitated at first because he was closer to Brooke's age (5) but decided that it would be nice for her to have someone to play with.  Since I had taken a job (first one in 7 yrs.) as a para at a local school, James went to daycare during the day while Brooke and I were at school and Mike was at work.

Right away we noticed something was not right with James.  He never played with Brooke, he showed absolutely no emotion at all, he was very manipulative (especially about food), always wanted to be in control, broke things, stole, lied constantly and he never wanted to be touched or have help with anything.  Both his daycare provider and our family were having a very hard time so I began doing research trying to figure at what could be causing James to act the way he did.  We asked for help from our foster worker and finally got James evaluated and he was diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder, Oppositional Defiant Disorder and Severely Emotionally Disturbed.

Parenting James turned out to be one of the hardest things I have ever done.  We discovered that children with the type of disorders he had must be parented completely different and people judge (even family) you because they don't understand.  I questioned myself daily.  I still thought love could conquer all and when love didn't help James I felt I had failed. 

During this time we had gotten a call for and accepted our next placement, a newborn.  James seemed to just totally ignore the new baby until one day I picked them both up from daycare. The daycare provider told me that she had gone in the kitchen for a moment and the baby (that was in a swing) began to scream, as she turned the corner to check on him she noticed that James was pulling the baby's leg and would not let go.  Neither she nor I could get James to tell us why he had done what he had done and he showed no remorse for doing it.

We asked for James to be removed from our home.  We felt he needed someone more experienced in parenting a child with his disorders and we were scared for the safety of the other kids in our home.  James left our home after four months.  I felt guilty for having him moved but after he left I discovered that parenting him had taken a huge toll on me (emotionally and mentally) and our family as a whole, we did what was best for our family.  James would now be 13 1/2.

 

Foster Memories Friday - Ronnie & DeeDee

We stopped fostering almost two years ago after over eight years.  Some days I miss the chaos...most days I don't!  But everyday I miss and think about the kiddos that were a part of our life, family and hearts.  I want to remember forever each little one that touched our lives so for the next little while on Fridays I will take a moment to write about and remember them.

We got out first call just a couple weeks after we got our foster license.  A call for boy/girl 18 mo. old biracial twins. We said yes to the placement and got to work getting everything ready.  We were excited but so so nervous.  A couple of hours later, the emergency foster parents pulled up in our driveway.  We walked out to the car and saw the biggest brown eyes just staring up at us.  After taking them inside, the other foster parents stayed and talked for a few minutes and then left...I remember thinking "oh my goodness I'm really totally responsible for these two precious little ones that I know nothing about"!

The twins (Ronnie and DeeDee) came with only the onsies on their backs so the next morning I took them (and a then 5 yo Brooke) to Wal-Mart to buy complete wardrobes.  At the time I was working at a friend's daycare center so the twins spent their days at the daycare with me when they weren't being toted off by a complete stranger (driver) to visits with a birth mom that had neglected (cheerios were thrown on the floor for them to eat), abused (cigarette burns) and asked for them to be removed.  During their time with us we learned so much about the system, ourselves and loving a child not born to us (that was the easy part).

Ronnie and DeeDee were only in our home for three months when the judge decided that b/c birthmom had shown up at court that the children would be returned to her.  They left just as quickly as they came but definately left a small little hole in this momma's heart forever.  Several months after them leaving we were told that they were back in the system and would be available for adoption but by that time our house was full of other children.  I pray that they found a wonderful family that loves them deeply.  They would now be 11 1/2 years old.

They would stand at the gate while I cooked and both say "eat, eat, eat" over and over until the meal was ready!

We all dressed alike for the 4th!

Brooke's first taste of being a big sister...most days she liked it! :)

Daddy the horsie!