Anxiety

I've never had an anxiety attack but I wonder if this is what it feels like...

I feel like my mind and heart are racing a million miles a minute. I can't focus. I can't think of anything else. I almost can't breathe.

Lexy is going on her kindergarten field trip tomorrow. I did not get choosen as one of the two parent volunteers for this field trip. I AM NOT HAPPY about not being chosen. It's not that I am one of those overbearing, I've got to do everything with my kids kinda mom (ok maybe I am a little bit but that's not relevent here). I don't know if I can let her go without me, she really wants to go...

Adopting a child that was once our foster child was THE BEST thing that ever happened to me BUT it has also brought with it some fears that I have never felt before in my life. I wonder sometimes if I suffer from PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) from all the CRAP that we went through in Lexy's case (and others). I have this OVERWHELMING FEAR of losing Lexy...of someone taking her. Of course all moms have this fear to a certain (normal) extent as I do with Brooke and while most of the time I can control my extreme fear in Lexy's case, sometimes it is overwhelming. I'm sure a therapist would say that the fear comes from my feelings of powerlessness when she was in foster care...I worried for over THREE YEARS that she would be taken from me...I had NO CONTROL in the situation or the decisions being made for my daughter.

My fears have gotten a lot better. I've been able to allow myself to be ok with Lexy going to school, playing on the front porch by herself, being more than an arms reach away at a public place. But certain things like our encounter with her birthmom at the park last year and now a field trip to a public place without me bring up these overwhelming fears again and I'm not sure how to deal with them.

Because of her attachment issues when she came to us, Lexy isn't overly affectionate, chatty or willing to go anywhere with someone she doesn't know well so I'm not in fear that she'll freely go with a stranger. We've talked about stranger dangers, even if that person seems friendly (or tries to talk with her about her favorite things).

Lexy was upset when she learned that I wasn't choosen to go on the field trip, not b/c she needed her mommy but b/c she felt it was unfair that I wouldn't get to go. I asked her if she would prefer to stay home and go somewhere with me that day but she insisted that she still wanted to go on her field trip with her friends and is so excited. She has no idea how uncomfortable this whole situation makes me and that's how I want it. My fears are MINE and that's how it will stay.

I took Lexy shopping last night for her lunch items for the field trip, I tell her how fun it will be when she excitedly brings it up and I will be smiling when I tell her to have a great time when I drop her off at school tomorrow. I will wait until I'm safely at home before I turn into a HOT MESS. Then I will return to the school smiling to pick up my beautiful daughter safe and sound when she gets back...