I was feeling pretty blue today about this change in our life, questioning myself if we had made the right decision. By chance, a movie that is very dear to my heart came on while we were lounging around the house this morning. The movie is called "Losing Isaiah". I've watched this movie many times and while it tugged at my heartstrings before losing "our Isaiah", now it brings back so many memories, so many feelings, so much emotion about his case in particular but also about our entire foster journey. After watching the movie today I realize that we are making the right decision for our family at this time. We know without a doubt that we can love a child not of our own flesh & blood, we've done it many many times...it's the losing them that has not gotten any easier.
This decision leaves me with so many mixed emotions...
- I'm worried that we won't be helping any other children in need thru foster care...I've always said "if not us, then who"
- I'm sad that I won't be loving and holding a sweet little foster baby again
- I'm happy that we will no longer have multiple workers coming thru our home each week, we won't have to pick up the pieces after our foster babies family visits, we won't have to get permission for vacations and hair cuts, we won't be on the roller coaster of emotions that foster care puts us on
- I'm excited to be able to live our life and make our own decisions. Not waiting around for someone else to make decisions for us.
- I'm scared that my purpose in life is now going to have to be found again. For as long as I can remember I knew that I wanted to be a foster parent, I knew that's what my calling was...now what?
- I'm hopeful for what the future holds. I can't wait to see what's in store for our family. We have some things to think, pray and talk about before making decisions...
but it's so nice to be moving forward!